My breastfeeding journey started with formula and ended with it
Hello, there. I’m a 30-year-old mother of a tenacious 3-year-old daughter. When I look at her, I’m overcome with a sense of pride and happiness. But this wasn’t always the case. Unfortunately – and this is no secret – women aren’t completely honest with each other about a lot of things. Motherhood being one such thing.
Motherhood is always talked about as this glorious thing that completes a woman and gives purpose to her life. Sure, it is all those things, but motherhood is so much more. It is heartache when your baby is sick, uncertainty about what to do with this tiny human being whose entire world revolves around you, and fear that you might not be able to do right by your little one.
One such thing that has given me – and most mothers – nightmares is the stigma surrounding the lack of breastfeeding or the inability to breastfeed. The first time I put my little one to my breast, she was just a few hours old. She was crying out of hunger with the loudest voice she could muster. Kate, my midwife, quickly rushed to help and put my baby at my breast. What happened next shocked her into silence. My baby had latched perfectly. Of course, I didn’t know that most babies latched after a few tries at best so I didn’t know why Kate looked simultaneously shocked and happy. I cradled my baby in my arms as she suckled at my breast. I was content. This was the perfect poster of motherhood I had in my mind. But my contentment was short-lived. After a few minutes of patiently suckling, my baby went back to wailing at the top of her lungs.
Kate rushed in once again and tried to soothe her. She said it takes time for the milk to ‘come in’ and that I would just have to keep trying. Little did I know that my nightmarish breastfeeding journey had just begun. Kate’s reassurance did little as my baby continued to wail with hunger every time I put her to my breast. She just seemed to get louder and more antsy with every failed try. Finally, Kate decided to give her some formula. As soon as her hunger was satiated, she instantly calmed down and went back to sleep. For the remaining of my stay at the hospital, I continued to try breastfeeding – but in vain. My baby was on formula.
After getting discharged, the regular visits to the pediatrician began. My baby was doing fine, but at every visit I was questioned as to why I wasn’t trying half-and-half - Breastfeeding supplemented by formula. As a new mother, I was already exhausted by the sleepless nights and everything that came with the responsibility of a tiny human. But having to justify that I wasn’t worried about maintaining my figure and that I wasn’t choosing not to breastfeed was taking its emotional toll on me. I will never forget an offhanded comment my pediatrician once made. She said, “New mothers today just don’t have the patience to breastfeed their babies anymore.” She then insisted that I visit a lactation specialist. Friends and family took it upon themselves to suggest to me foods that would help my milk ‘come in’. But the thing was, my milk had come in. It just wasn’t enough to satisfy the hunger of my growing baby.
Fortunately, my immediate family stood like a rock beside me. You see, I was also a formula-child. So every time I would have a nervous breakdown after yet another failed attempt at breastfeeding, my mother would reassure me that I was a formula baby and I had turned out just fine and so had millions of other countless babies who grew up on formula.
So, I guess here’s what I’m trying to say. You can breastfeed your baby or give it formula. It’s alright, mama. Giving your baby formula doesn’t make you a bad mother. I wish someone had said this to me. Your baby is too small to care how its hunger is satiated. But what your baby DOES care about is how emotionally present you are. So breathe, mama. I know it’s tough, but you are doing the best you can. And if I may offer some hindsight as a mom of a healthy 3-year-old, whether your baby is breast-fed or formula-fed, at the end of the day he or she is going to eat McDonald’s french fries off the floor of the car!
